Sex and Cigarettes

I've been sick for the last few days. But for some reason i still feel the need to go over to the fuck buddies house. The sex is ok, nothing fantastic, but not bad. I feel bad when i cancel on him. I shouldn't but i do. I think it's because he told me that he has feelings for me, so i now feel bad. I don't want to lead him on into thinking that what we have might evolve into something more than just fuck buddies. He's not my type at all and we really have nothing in common.

My birthday is Monday and John says that he has something planned for me, but Anton and I must leave the house so he can do something. I don't know what, but i'm thinking it's sex. Thats really all i want for my birthday, but haven't told him that. i don't want to put him in an awkward position. He still owes me one more time of sex but it's supposed to be when he moves out. We've talked about it and we're gonna do a Draco Malfoy sex thing, complete with Slytherin robes and everything...No accent, he'd mess it up.

Kiwi is moving back in with her husband and kids beginning of next week. It's bittersweet. On the one hand i'm glad she's moving out cause we really don't have the room for her to be here. John is sleeping on the floor and it's not fair to him that he has to. But on the other hand i really like hanging out with Kiwi. She's really my only friend up here.

I stopped going to therapy to save some money and already i'm regretting it. I like Kate a lot. She's pretty cool. That and i'm afraid that i might relapse back into my depression...then where would i be?

Oh well...You've gotta do what ya gotta do. it's sad that i've given up therapy instead of giving up cigarettes. Damn you nicotine...I'll always give up something else just to keep you in my life......

That seems to be a pattern with more than just cigarettes.