Movies that shaped the person i am today.

Horror movies, the staple movie diet of my childhood.


I grew up on movies like Halloween, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Poltergeist, and Children of the Corn.


Horror movies have been with me my entire life. My father and I would go down to the local video store, Crossroads Video, and rent horror movies without my mother's knowledge. She wasn't too keen on her 5 year old watching violent and gory horror movies. But this was the bonding time i got with my father. We would go upstair (where he slept for as long as i can remember) and i would lay either on the floor or the pullout sofa and while my father sat as his desk and got drunk, we would watch horror movies together. And not just any old horror movies. Only the good ones. Only the classics. The 1950's chillers like The Thing (from another world), The Day the Earth Stood Still, Swamp Thing, The Blob, The Fly. Also lots of movies with Jamie Lee Curtis in them. My father loved Jamie Lee Curtis and he loved every movie she was in. From the first Halloween to Prom Night to The Fog to Terror Train. But it wasn't just Jamie Lee Curtis that we would watch. He really loved the old 80s slasher flicks. He loved the silent masked killer. The Jason's and the Michael's. Now i understand why my mother didn't want me to watch these types of movies, but i loved them. I loved being scared. I loved hanging out with my dad.


I don't know if it was just my dad thinking i was old enough to watch this type of movie or if it was his way of saying "fuck you" to my mother or if it was him being drunk and making a bad judgment call. i still to think day don't know the answer. But it wasn't just horror movies that we would watch together. We would watch things like Full Metal Jacket, Predator, Escape from New York, The Terminator and The Running Man. Anything with violence in it.


For the most part, these movies never scared me. In fact one of the first real things i was scared of was from a Superman movie. But there were the occasional scares. Poltergeist, the first horror movie i ever watched, spawned a HUGE fear of clowns that is still with me to this day. So to say that they never affected me is a lie, but not in the ways they would affect most children at that age. 


My mother said she knew i was a weird child when at the age of four, i asked the doctors if i could keep my tonsils after the surgery. I didn't get to keep them, but they did get a picture of them for me and i took it in for show and tell in pre-school.


To this day my favorite kind of movie is horror. The bloodier the gorier the better. 






Oh and Sleep Away Camp had the best movie ending known to man

"They Say It's Your Birthday!"

Whoot!!! 23 today!!!

6 is the new 16

So i've been doing some research on one of my favorite subjects, body image. I've always been very interested in the idea of being thin and what that entails. When i was born on the Sunday morning of December 21st 1986, i weighed in at 6lbs 13oz. A normal sized baby. I was exclusively breast fed and at my 1 year mark i only weighed 12lbs. I hadn't even doubled my birth weight, something a baby should have done by 3 or 4 months. I was healthy but just tiny. I was a tiny child until i was 4 years old. At 4 i had my tonsils removed for health reasons. My parents were told that i would start to put on weight. Put on weight i did. From then on i was never tiny or even skinny again. In 7th grade i weighed 174lbs. Well above anyone else in my classes. In grade school i hated myself. A hatred that would get so bad as to try and take my own life. I had been on every diet known to man. I had done the exercising and the low calorie thing. I grew up in south Florida so i lived at the beach and in the pool. I rode horses. I biked everywhere. Nothing helped. If riding horses 5 days a week and swimming when i wasn't ridding didn't help i couldn't think of anything that would.

I never had friends. I was the shy fat girl and no one wanted to be friends with me. I laid low in school, never excelling but never failing either. Just floating on by. Come the start of 6th grade i was over joyed to be going to junior high. I was going to get away from all of the people i hated to much in elementary school. The kids that made fun of me and laughed at me and called my names. Junior high would prove to be the same thing, but with one difference. Jackie. Jackie was my only friend. She had enough confidence for the both of us. She brought me out of my blob like shell and helped my hold my head up high. She taught me to say "Fuck em All!" At first it was a false confidence. I did it but didn't really believe it. Jackie was my backbone over the many years of our friendship. And come high school, i had a confidence about me like no other. Now at 23 years old i can proudly hold my head high and say with full belief and confidence "I love my curves. I love my body. I'm proud to have hips. I'm proud to have an ass. I'm proud to be considered plus size. Fuck you skinny bitches!"

This leads me to my questions. Why is this country obsessed with skinny women? At what lengths will we go to achieve a size 2/4? Why are we being told you are only lovable if you can see your ribs?

I for one grew up thinking that i was only lovable when thin and since i could never achieve that goal, that i was never going to be loved by anyone. But i know now that i was very lovable. It might not have been the good kind of love, but when your 15 you're not looking for the good kind of love. You're looking for the guys to want you. And boy did they ever. I've never been without a boyfriend or girlfriend. i've never been without sex. I've always been wanted by someone. And not the guys who like the big girls either. It was the confidence i had about me that made me so attractive. If confidence is sexy and desirable then why are we so hard pressed to kill any kind of confidence young women might have about themselves in the country? Why are we still bombarded with images of size 0 models and super thin celebrities? Why do you have to be a size 4 to fit into any kind of designer clothes? Why is it that every time you pick up a women's magazine it will always have at least one cover story of "I lost 10 lbs in 7 days!" or "Diets of the stars"? And mens magazines are no different. If you want to buy a mens magazine that features fluffy girls you have to go looking for them. You will never see a Playboy or Penthouse or Hustler that features a Playmate of the month that is 5"4 and 140lbs, the average size of the american woman.

What about this says sexy?

                                                        

                                                        

                                                          

This is no way for a woman to look. Now i understand that some woman are naturally skinny. And i understand that some men just naturally are attracted to skinny women. But that's not what i'm talking about. I'm talking about the young girls who are starving themselves to death trying to look like Nichole Richie and Mary-Kate Olsen. Trying to look like the runway models in Madrid and Milan and Paris and New York. Trying to fit into that category of loveable. Getting plastic surgery at that age of 16 to have bigger breasts. Getting liposuction because they have the curves that women are supposed to have. No one tell these girls that women have more body fat than men because we need to be able to grow and nurture a child. That we have hips for easier childbirth. That we have breasts to feed a child. That if we were to have 8% body fat that we couldn't keep a pregnancy to full term. That we look the way we do for a reason. 

Women in this country and all over the world, need to stop striving to be stick thin. We need more beautiful full figured models. We need to see more real women on TV and in magazines. We need to stop hating our bodies. Start embracing our stretch marks. Loving our cellulite and sagging breasts. We need to teach our girls confidence. We need to be proud of our curves. Because when everything is said and done, what really is attractive across the globe in confidence. No matter what size you are.

Sex and Cigarettes

I've been sick for the last few days. But for some reason i still feel the need to go over to the fuck buddies house. The sex is ok, nothing fantastic, but not bad. I feel bad when i cancel on him. I shouldn't but i do. I think it's because he told me that he has feelings for me, so i now feel bad. I don't want to lead him on into thinking that what we have might evolve into something more than just fuck buddies. He's not my type at all and we really have nothing in common.

My birthday is Monday and John says that he has something planned for me, but Anton and I must leave the house so he can do something. I don't know what, but i'm thinking it's sex. Thats really all i want for my birthday, but haven't told him that. i don't want to put him in an awkward position. He still owes me one more time of sex but it's supposed to be when he moves out. We've talked about it and we're gonna do a Draco Malfoy sex thing, complete with Slytherin robes and everything...No accent, he'd mess it up.

Kiwi is moving back in with her husband and kids beginning of next week. It's bittersweet. On the one hand i'm glad she's moving out cause we really don't have the room for her to be here. John is sleeping on the floor and it's not fair to him that he has to. But on the other hand i really like hanging out with Kiwi. She's really my only friend up here.

I stopped going to therapy to save some money and already i'm regretting it. I like Kate a lot. She's pretty cool. That and i'm afraid that i might relapse back into my depression...then where would i be?

Oh well...You've gotta do what ya gotta do. it's sad that i've given up therapy instead of giving up cigarettes. Damn you nicotine...I'll always give up something else just to keep you in my life......

That seems to be a pattern with more than just cigarettes.

Hospital

We had to take Anton to the hospital tonight. He was having a problem breathing. The one woman was very nice and the other was a bitch. She expects me to keep Anton from kicking her while he's sick, can't breath and is being forced to hold still by John and I hold him down. Sorry bitch. It's not going to happen. They took some x-rays of his chest (we got to keep copies of them! Yay Anton ribblets!) and they gave him some Albuteral for the chest inflamation and an inhaler to go home with. He's fine now. Just another scare from the big headed menace.

# 1

This is my first post. I'm going to try to keep up with this pretty often....

The time is 6:36 am. I am awake. Nothing new there. I'm always awake at ungodly hours of the morning. For once though i'm awake because i slept all day...damn food poisoning to hell. Damn Sicily's Pizza. This is the second time i've gotten fucking poisoned from you assholes. Monday morning i'm calling the Better Business Bureau.

Harry Potter is my only confort at this time of the day. I find myself living vicariously through the movies and the books. I find myself getting really angry at the characters when they do something stupid. I would give anything in the world to be a student at Hogwarts. Or not even a student, just if this wonderful magical world was real, and i could be a part of it.

I know why i use Harry Potter as an escape. The lives on those pages are amazing, and mine is anything but. I play mom and i play happy. When most of the time i'm not happy and i'm not sure if i'm that great of a mom.

I've had men chasing after me lately. Something that is catching me off guard for i was never the pretty, skinny, or out going girl. I was shy, introverted and fat. i'm now just one of the three. But im' finding more and more that men like big girls. I love myself a lot more at the age of 23 then i did when i was 13. And of course that is what growing up is about, but i think there were other factors in this outcome. Jackie, John, Lura and Mo'Nique were the biggest influences in my life on body image.

I'm sorry that there are people dying in other countries. But i am more sorry that girls are starving themselves to death over here. America the beautiful...Beautiful meaning 5"9 and 115 lbs. Blonde hair, blue eyes and a fake tan.

Do i fit into the standard of beauty in this country standing a mere 5"3 and weighing........

.......Someday I'll be brave enough to write my weight out. But until then it's back to my diet of Tylenol Night Time and XXX Vitamin Water.